Building self-confidence

Self-confidence is something which can come and go. When we find it lacking, there are things we can do to build it and nurture it. Consider Mary’s situation for instance…

Mary has just been approached to take on a bigger, more challenging role and while she is flattered (and more than a little intrigued and excited about the idea) she feels sick to her stomach about it. 

The new role would mean more challenging work and an increase in hours. She would need to draw on the skill set she was honing pre-motherhood and would need to elevate work in her mind to become more of a priority. This new role would herald a return to the career that Mary was developing for herself before she became a mum; one that she loved and one that allowed her to realise her full professional potential. But….Mary is terrified! She doesn’t think she can do it and she’s on the verge of saying “thanks but no thanks”!

Why is Mary feeling like this? If you asked Mary’s best friend about her, she’d tell you that Mary’s an incredible woman; one of the best. She’d say that Mary’s smart and kind and accomodating. That she’s flexible and adaptable and a good communicator. She’d tell you that in her past role, Mary was often commended for her great work and was regularly shoulder tapped by the competition. She’d tell you that Mary’s got the goods but that Mary is her own worst enemy....

So what’s going on and how can we help Mary? 

Mary’s biggest challenge is how she thinks , and as a result of this, how she feels, about herself. Mary could do with a boost to her self-belief and confidence.

I’ve got some ideas in terms of how we can help Mary. You see….I know Mary really well. She’s a former version of me and there are varying degrees of Mary in many of the women I know and work with. 

In these types of situations I find it really useful to ask LOTS of questions! Mary is feeling overwhelmed and sick to her stomach when she thinks about this challenge but we don’t know what is making her feel this way. When it has come up in conversation, she has typically said “Oh my god! I don’t even want to think about it! The very thought makes me feel sick!” and changed the subject. 

Is Mary worried about being able to do what she did before? About changes in the industry since she left? About handling the logistics of working and parenthood? About the impact of working longer hours on her family? Is it a combination of some or all of these things? Asking lots of questions will help Mary to identify the exact cause of her concerns. Once she has identified the issue(s) which are making her feel uncertain and worried, it is easier for her to create a plan to address them. When you’ve got a plan you become proactive. Being proactive helps boost feelings of self-worth and confidence.

Mary identifies that she is worried about two things in particular. She is worried about delivering a quality outcome in an industry which has seen big change, and she is worried about having enough energy to perform successfully at work and to parent in the way she wants to. She hasn’t taken any steps to address these issues (yet!) but knowing exactly what she is worried about makes Mary feel more in control and confident.

The next step for Mary is to reality check her feelings about these issues. In other words, does Mary ACTUALLY have something to worry about? Or are her fears of what might happen influencing her perspective on the situation? After more discussion (and yes lots more questions!), Mary identifies that she fears the industry has changed a lot but she’s not actually sure where the changes have occurred or what they might mean for this role. She decides to organise a catch up with an old colleague to talk about what has actually changed in the time she has been away. She also gets hold of some industry publications to do some reading and background research before they meet. A plan is starting to form. Mary gains confidence and self-belief taking action and finding answers to her questions.

As for having enough energy, Mary recognises that this is a very real concern and one with long-term work/life harmony implications. Mary assumed responsibility for the bulk of childcare and household management during maternity leave. In discussion, it becomes clear that Mary doesn’t trust her partner to manage household tasks or their children’s needs the right way. I play devil’s advocate and challenge Mary on these beliefs and what constitutes the ‘right way’. She concedes that there are other ways to handle things and while she might prefer her way of doing things, there are definite benefits (such as sharing the mental load, freeing up time, and having more energy!) in allowing her partner the freedom to tackle things in his own way. Mary is starting to see that she doesn't have to assume responsibility for everything at home and that sharing the load would allow her more head space and energy to meet the demands of her new role. This realisation further improves her belief in her capacity and ability to do the job.

Finally we talk about what success would look like if she were to take on the new role. Mary thinks about her own personal values and what she wants to be known for in her industry. We talk about what she has achieved in the past. Mary identifies that success in her new role includes operating with integrity, being considered ‘innovative’ and ‘collegial’, delivering on her performance objectives, and being available to her children from 5pm every evening. Mary has narrowed the scope of her attention and can focus her efforts on the things which matter most to her. This narrower scope makes the challenge before her feel more achievable and imaginable. With the knowledge of what she’s achieved in the past and an ability to imagine how she’d operate in this role in the future, Mary feels even more confident….and excited!!

Building self-confidence often starts with examining the thing(s) that you're worried about and then taking one small proactive step forward. That step may be one of the strategies mentioned above or it might be something else which makes sense to you and your situation. 

Taking action and doing something for yourself is the best way to develop self-confidence. Go on! Get started! Aren’t you dying to know just what you’re capable of?!